“Breathe. Listen for my footfall in your heart. I am not gone but merely walk within you.”
– Nicholas Evans
Heartache. Heartache is worse than any physical pain; unfortunately, time is its only healer. A lot of you may have first experienced heartache back in school or college. I have also had a fair share of heartaches in my life. Boyfriends breaking up, cheating, and moving to different time zones; I’ve been through it all. While I managed to cope with many heartaches with the help of my friends and countless scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream, there’s one heartache which has still left some scars unhealed.
Here’s my story. It’s taken me a long time to share it with the world. Not because it’s something that I am embarrassed about, but because I wanted my story to be inspirational, rather than pitiable.
It was a pleasant evening, and I was sitting in my bathroom with a pregnancy test strip that read positive. Instead of telling my husband right then; I chose to wait and make the moment special. I wanted to take him out on a quiet dinner and surprise him. He’d been waiting for the good news for over a year, even more anxious than I was.
I went to see a doctor the next day with my best friend. After he confirmed the news I decided to tell my husband. That night, we went to our favorite Indian restaurant and I waited for the perfect moment to tell him.
“I’m pregnant,” I said as he took a sip of buttermilk. He literally spat out his drink and looked at me awestruck. “I’m pregnant,” I repeated, smiling. He immediately stood up and embraced me tight, whispering in my ear, “I can’t wait for my little girl.”
Soon, my entire family, friend circle and acquaintances knew about my pregnancy. My mother was most thrilled about the news, already enthused about knitting sweaters for her first grandchild. Everywhere I went people only spoke about the baby and my pregnancy. “What are you going to name the baby?” “You should move into a bigger place now.” “Oh yes, morning sickness sucks.” I loved each moment of it and truly never felt any happier or content. I guess that’s how most pregnant women get their celebrated glow.
Have you heard people say that being too happy can backfire? That’s exactly how I felt that night. I remember it very well. That dreadful midnight when I woke up with a stinging pain in my stomach. I shook my husband and told him it was bad. He turned on the lights and we saw the sheets stained with blood. My heart sank. I knew this was an awful sign.
My husband kept reassuring me that all was okay, but I knew. I knew how I felt. I knew the pain and the hollow feeling. My husband immediately rushed me to the hospital where my doctor confirmed my gravest fear.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
The next morning was my worst morning ever. Every detail from that day is clearly etched in my mind. Even though it was a sunny morning, all I could see was darkness. I didn’t cry. I just couldn’t. All I had was a solid lump in my throat, a crushing pain in my chest and a splitting migraine.
I locked myself in a room for two days. No food. Not a single soul to speak to. I only continued to play the doctor’s words in my head, over and over. “I’m sorry….” he said.
On the third day, I finally cried. I cried till I couldn’t breathe. I gulped down a bottle of water and called my mother. She came immediately and I hugged her and cried some more. I had never felt so broken.
A month after it happened, I still didn’t feel better. That hollow feeling still remained. I felt my stomach twist each time I saw a little child. I still broke down at the mention of my baby who didn’t even get a chance to see the light of the day. I avoided social gatherings because I didn’t know what to say anymore. The only thing I had been thinking and talking about all these months was my baby, and I didn’t have her anymore.
I blamed my fate, I blamed God, I blamed the circumstances and I blamed myself. What I hated the most was the look of pity people had on their faces when they looked at me. I didn’t need pity, I just needed closure. I needed this pain to go away.
One afternoon when my husband was at work, I got a call from my best friend asking if I wanted to go shopping. Under the circumstances, my usual reaction to that would have been, “No, I’m fagged out,” but I said yes and regretted it almost immediately. Going out would mean having to dress up and face the world. That’s the last thing I wanted. But since I’d already said yes, I figured I’d just go and try to squeeze out of it as quickly as possible.
Surprisingly, I felt better that day. Not normal, but surely better. I smiled for the first time in almost two months and finally didn’t get the look of pity from anyone. I came back home that evening and told my husband I wanted to join a yoga class. He looked at me surprised and told me to do whatever made me feel better.
From that day on, I decided that the only way I could stop making people pity me is when I stopped pitying myself. I joined that yoga class and I met my mother and my friends often. I cried when I felt like it and didn’t hold back my emotions. I spent a lot of time reading inspirational stories of women who overcame the grief of a miscarriage and I joined a support group with other women who’d lost babies and been situations even graver than mine.
I’d be lying if I said that thoughts of what I lost don’t bother me anymore. I sometimes think of how life would have been if things didn’t turn out this way. But the truth is that through this phase, I have emerged much stronger mentally and emotionally, with the help of my support system. I am happy to share that my husband and I are blessed with a beautiful little son now; our second child. My first baby is still a part of my heart and will always remain.
“I carry your heart with me, (I carry it in my heart).”
– EE. Cummings
Aradhana is from India. She is a veteran writer on topics concerning parenting, child nutrition, wellness, health and lifestyle. As a regular contributor to popular sites like Natural News, Elephant Journal, The Health Site, Naturally Savvy, and Mom Junction, Aradhana writes to inspire and motivate people to adopt healthy habits and live a stress-free lifestyle. You can connect with her on Twitter and Facebook!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I could only imagine what that devastation feels like. Your children are lucky to have such a strong beacon of strength in both you and your husband. Your attitude is admirable: to pick up the pieces and stop the pity and move on. It’s shows great faith and perseverance; both traits that mothers and women should have. Thank you for sharing.
IFEOMA SAMUEL says
Oh My! It is well. Countless times we go through situations that only God can give us the comfort we need. God Bless you Aradhana for sharing your story.
Hopefully God will give you your own ‘Isaac’- Laughter.
Life Breath Present says
That is the most awful thing to have experienced. I truly have no idea. These are the things of every woman/mother’s worst nightmare…truly. As terrible as it is to know this happened to you, I’m even more glad to hear that you found your way to work through the pain and allow it to be as it is! 🙂
Stopping by from Mama Moments Monday!
Nathana Clay says
We went through a miscarriage last year, and now our daughter is due in 7 weeks, the same weekend we lost our first baby. I appreciate the conciseness of your story, because looking back on the post where I wrote about ours (http://www.theengagedhome.com/miscarriage-support/), I realize I wrote a book! It was hard to write, but after the miscarriage, God just brought so many women across my path that had or were struggling with miscarriage. Even though I’d been through it, I didn’t feel equipped. I could pray and share our story, but I knew there were no magic words to fix the situation. There never are with grief. I also felt conflicted after I published my post. Maybe I should have edited it down or prayed over it longer. I felt like I received a lot of pity from it. Which was not what I was aiming for. I just felt like a lot of women felt isolated and alone and I wanted them to know that they were not alone. Anyways, thank you for sharing your story!
I am so sorry! I had a similar experience, but it was my second pregnancy (and again for my fourth pregnancy). It was our wedding anniversary the day that I lost the baby and it felt so hopeless. I felt like I would never be able to be healed from the loss. However, God is great and the following year when the anniversary of the miscarriage came around I was able to hold our newborn baby in my arms. I felt guilty crying and grieving that day because I felt like it wasn’t fair to the sweet little baby I had in my arms. But since I have been able to come to grips with the fact that it is ok to grieve our lost child while enjoying and loving the ones that we have.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey with us. I am stopping by from the #smallwonder link-up. I hope you have a lovely day!
Lisa Brown says
Thank you for sharing your story. I have had a miscarriage too and it’s really a hard time. Its been over five years now and i can still remember every detail about the time. God is good and grieving is good. We can’t run from hurting, nor should we. It’s a painful time and its o.k. to stop life for a time and feel the pain. But the good news is, God loves us too much to let us stay there. He truly does work all things out for the good. Even the things that make know sense to us. Your post is very touching and I appreciate your realness.
Hazel Moon says
I believe miscarrying a baby is the worst death possible. We blame ourselves for something we must have done wrong, or think we are being punished for some sin not confessed. Yes that baby will be in heaven waiting for you in years to come. I am so happy that God gave you a son to have and to hold. Thank you for sharing with us here at “Tell me a True Story.”
Cheryl @Treasures from a Shoebox says
I am so sorry for you loss, for I am quite acquainted with this pain. I’ve been pregnant 17 times and seven of those pregnancies ended in loss.
I believe the most difficult loss was #5 after I had given my life to Christ and had purposed to give our fertility to the Lord (allowing Him to determine our family size was a relief, a bit scary and exhilarating all at the same time!). And He has given us babies! But then that first one I lost I felt…betrayed. I was crying and saying, “Lord, we have purposed to have all the babies you want to give us and…you’re taking them back?!” It was a very hard moment for me.
But then I discovered that in that “giving my fertility to Him” I wasn’t just agreeing to “have all the babies He would give me” but that I was allowing Him to use my body as He sees fit. And I was able to find peace in knowing that He means every thing He allows in my life for my good and His glory. I stand on Romans 8:28!
I’m not sure if any of this helps you–I don’t even know if you are a believer. But I pray the Lord will give you peace and contentment.
Becca @ The Earthlings Handbook says
Cheryl, thanks for sharing that lesson you learned! That’s really interesting. It is the kind of lesson God often sets up when we humans think we know what we’re doing, and it’s especially useful when you think what you’re doing is accepting God’s will but God shows you that this may take you in directions you didn’t expect.
Jenni DeWitt says
I can relate to wanting our sad story to elicit inspiration and not pity. I’m inspired by how you allowed yourself to work through the pain. Sometimes I think I rush myself in that aspect. Happy to be your neighbor for #TellHisStory today!
I am so sorry. I also know the pain. I have been through it 2 times. My babies names are Jessi. & the other I lost most recent is Asher.
Renee Kinlaw says
Wow! So sorry for your loss. But, thank you for opening the windows of your heart and sharing your story.
I’m so sorry for your loss. But thank you for sharing your story. It touched my heart.
What a horrible loss. No mother understands unless she has lost a child. I have two grown sons now, but I know one day in heaven I will meet the little boy or girl that I lost due to a miscarriage. It is such a helpless feeling. Many understand your grief, but are overjoyed with the new love you have in your life. May God continue to bless you and your family. Joi
I am so sorry for your loss, Its so hard to go through something like this. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are blessing people with your story more than you know. I had my miscarriage 2 years ago in March, and I just had the courage to write and post it last night. Still think about it all the time. It takes a long time to have understanding of it all. Praying for you and your family.
Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s shocking how devastating a miscarriage can be, and how awkward it can be for others who really don’t know what to say. It’s a tricky kind of loss because no one talks about it, and you as a mother go through it very differently than even your husband can understand. I hope you heal from this!
Janelle@The Peaceful Haven says
Beautifully written and all I can say is it moved me!
Sharon Rowe says
I am so sorry for your loss, this is such a powerful article and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing
Keisha Gardner says
My third pregnancy ended in miscarriage. It took me awhile to talk about it, and even longer to write about it. I’m now pregnant again, and didn’t breathe easy until I was past the first trimester. I almost didn’t even want to rejoice or share with family, but I didn’t want our former loss to rob us of our current joy. Thank you for sharing your story.
Stopping by from Fellowship Friday.
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says
This was heart-wrenching. I’ve experienced two miscarriages and they are devastating.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.
Wishing you a lovely weekend.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve walked in your shoes and I know the pain and sadness. However, my faith was instrumental in getting me through each loss. Thank you for sharing your story at Monday’s Musings
April G says
Thank you for sharing your story. It is truly heartbreaking to lose a child. We have four children, with one in heaven. You are in my prayers. Your co-host from Turn it Up Tuesday.
Heather@To Sow a Seed says
I am so sorry for your loss. I have walked in those shoes many times now, and I know that your heart is so, so broken. ((hugs))
Sarah J says
Popping over from Turn It Up Tuesday =) Congrats on your feature for the link up. And I’m so sorry for your loss =( I can’t even imagine the feeling. Kudos to you for sharing this so others know they are not alone.